I may not be perfect, but I'm full of love.  

Typically I write about weight loss, or something relating to weight loss.  The topic of weight loss does not completely define me. I still struggle with things. I still have family issues, job stress, and parental concerns.  This blog is dedicated to a couple of my friends.  If you're reading, you know who you are.. I don't think that it's necessary to call anybody out.  With that said, I want to say thank you.  This is quite possibly the MOST eye opening/inspiring book I have EVER read. Now on to the story!  :)
With great hesitation I started reading a book that a very dear friend recommended called Return to Love.  This friend has been talking to me for over a year about how this book transformed her life.  Well, I'm more of a fiction ONLY reader; you know.. vampires, werewolves, supernatural creatures and the like are my typical genre. However, I promised her that I would read this self-help book (I should mention here I always keep my promises-for those of you who don't know me) and all I can say is WOW..  I'm speechless.  <-- not easy to render ME speechless.

I'm speechless because as I was reading, I felt as though the author were speaking directly to me. Yep, that's it. She was talking to me about my life.  My messy, overindulgent, poor self-esteemed, sometimes chaotic, busy life.  Welcome to that life by the way.. :)  I should probably mention that I have had a great deal of emotional turmoil lately-mom's cancer, one of my girlfriend's father passed away, my daughter moved out, and I often feel like I bear the weight of the world on my shoulders. It has been a perfect time to seek some divine intervention.  Seemed like a great idea. I honestly don't feel like I fit in well with most people; (translation- I don't get out much).. So it seemed like a great idea to turn to someone I can talk to when I'm completely alone. So, I have been asking God to give me a sign.  I need Him to show me how to live a more productive life, and well, this book is it. Just like in the words of my favorite Blue Collar Comedy Tour participant Bill Engvall "Here's your sign."  

Now before I go any further, please let me preface the remainder of this post by saying this blog post is NOT a book review. I am simply recreating (as best I can) the epiphanies I have encountered while reading.  I am not suggesting that you read the book, because if you're meant to read it I have no doubt you will.  I am simply sharing some of my favorite excerpts; some of the paragraphs that made me weep.  I was sobbing at the first example listed below because it is just so full of honesty, and THAT (the honest truth, brutal, difficult, honesty) is something that is seriously lacking in all aspects of my life.

If you care to read on, I would be delighted.  If you don't, perhaps you were not meant to hear these messages yet.. but nonetheless I feel compelled to share them.

"The world has taught us we are less than perfect.  In fact, we have been taught that it's arrogant to think we're deserving of total happiness.  This is the point where we're stuck. If anything comes into our lives-love, success, happiness-which seems like it would be suited to a "deserving" person, our subconscious mind concludes it can't possibly be for us.  And so we sabotage." (p.274)

As I reflected on these words, I started to think about how incredibly insightful this passage is. How many times have I struggled with self-doubt? Apologized for things that were not my fault simply because I couldn't think of anything else to say?  How many times was I envious of someone because they got something I didn't think I deserved?  How often did I feel stuck?   Then I realized that I was not stuck:  I was unconsciously holding myself back from achieving true happiness in my life out of fear.  I was afraid of meeting new people, because I didn't want them to judge me. Or, if I did finally step out of my comfort zone and open up to people, I would always ask them, "Did you not talk to me at first because you thought I was bitchy?" Now, I would be stupid to think that people would actually answer that honestly-- but a few did, and that just HURT, but it opened my eyes enough, and now I see!  While I may have been self-loathing person, I still have FEELINGS.. Why couldn't anyone else see that?  How did people talk to me, but not hear me?  How could someone be so judgmental? They didn't know me.. Apparently I didn't know me either.  Hi my name is Lisa.  Have we met?? Let's do so now..

The next passage is a little different:

"Capacity is expressed in the present.  It is immediate.  The key to it lies not in what we have inside of us, but rather in what we are willing to own that we have inside of us.  There is no point in waiting until we are perfect in what we do... before opening ourselves to what we're capable of doing now.  Of course, we're not as good today as we'll be tomorrow, but how will we ever get to tomorrow's promise without making some sort of move today?" (p.276) 

You're probably thinking this sounds like a bunch of self-help mumbo-jumbo.  The fact is, that it is ALL true.  You may not believe the concepts mentioned in this book; you may not be ready to hear them, you may have stopped reading this blog 6 or 7 sentences ago..It's all ok.  I know that the words that I'm sharing I'm meant to share. I have a gift for writing.  I have the gift of a bubbly personality when I choose to let it shine.  I have the ability to see the solution to a problem before the problem fully exists.  It is time for the world to see that in me as God sees it.  I don't want to be paralyzed by my "potential" any longer. I want to live in the present, serving others, helping others... LOVING others. 




Now, how did I come to these conclusions? This is HUGE! * you're almost at the end of this post, you can finish*..

I know that this book is literally working a miracle in my life because tonight a small little miracle happened. (insert smile here) I had to confront my child about a repeated bad behavior.  I've had a gut feeling the past couple of weeks that his life is starting a downward spiral into pain that I've already witnessed, dealt with, and moved away from.  So, as I sat down to have a "discussion" with him about it, I did not feel anger (like I did before), I did not feel guilty for what I hadn't done in the past (like I did before), I just talked to him. I reminded him that he should consider his past mistakes as lessons to learn from, not repeat.

I assured him that I loved him, and that I was worried about him, but ultimately his actions were HIS choice. I can no longer control what he does, what he says, who he hangs out with.  I am my own person, and he is his own person... but we are connected through our LOVE.  I showed him LOVE tonight instead of my usual anger.  We ended up talking civilly to one another after the painful discussion was over, and hung out for a little while (a rarity these days) So when I tell you that I believe this book is working in my life, I mean I think that this book is working on my heart; to soften it, and make me open to give love and therefore receive love.

I am taking this opportunity to tell all of you that THIS conversation, THIS night, through LOVING words and an open heart is what will heal him, and strengthen me. My words showed my love for him, and my actions (or in this particular case- my lack of REACTION) showed my love. 

I guess it just goes to show that when you are full of love and when you give your love away; unconditionally, without ulterior motives- love comes back to you.. Will we have another one of these conversations again?  Probably, but with the miracle of LOVE in my heart.. I'm certain that it will end on a happy note. :)