Wander off the path every now and then..

I was thinking about writing today, needless to say I didn't have much luck with inspiration. So, I thought I would give you a little peak into what taking the long way around did for me; here on the Internet (in public).  To be honest, this blog began as a weight loss journal for the masses. Sort of a way for me to showcase my physical transformation. This began as a means for me to have center stage on top of a very large soapbox for a few minutes of your day. Somewhere along the way it morphed into something else; something better..but never in a million years would I have ever guessed that it would turn into something so BIG.. Ok.. stop..now think big (grandiose, large, extra huge) and then,... go bigger than THAT!   

Seriously, what I have done here is transform my LIFE. Sure, I still talk about weight loss, because it is a very big (no pun intended) part of who I am. Don't get me wrong, I have had GREAT weight loss results (thank you Vi, and Vi family) However, I think I am happiest because I have found my words again. (yippee!)  Speaking to those of you who know me, you know that I can talk.. :) *wink, wink*  What I suppose I mean by "I have found my words" is this:  I realize that people may not always like what I have to say, but I have a right to say what I feel in my heart.  <3


I have learned that I am easily inspired by others, but I have also learned that my story is inspiring others. :)  I have had so many people reach out to me through email and say things like, "Thank you for those words, they are just what I needed to hear today" and "That brought me to tears, thank you for sharing."   I don't know why I ever felt like I lost my words... but for a long time, I didn't feel like I had anything to say. Not one.single. positive. encouraging. word. Now, it seems that's all that comes out of my mouth. Yay me.. and Yay YOU!!  Thank you for sharing your words with me!  :) 

Now, this journey I'm on is not always easy; in fact, some people think I've lost my mind (or should).. but, instead of letting that get to me, instead of letting negative comments drag me down, I'm letting them build me up. You're probably thinking who does that?!?!?!?!? I know it sounds cheesy, but I promise you it is the truth.. Old friends who knew the deep, dark, cynical me are probably thinking I'm just "acting" positive. They may think that I'm just going through a phase and at any moment I will slip back into my old habits. Sorry to tell ya (not really) that is incorrect. Don't misunderstand: I don't live every moment, of every day happy..  Does that make me a hypocrite?  Absolutely not!!! 

Here's the thing..In order for me to shift my behavior, I had to recognize there are only two ways I can choose to think about things.. There is the old way, which sounds a lot like this: "Oh no, not that again".. "I can't".. "I don't think (feel, want)".. "I hate that".. OR there is the new way which sounds something like this: "Sure thing" .. "That's awesome".. "I've got it covered".. "I believe".. "I know".. "I AM".. Today, I can speak the words, "I have faith" and actually mean them.

You see once I realized that it was way easier to say YES to feeling love, and opening myself up to receive love in return, my entire reason for waking up in the morning changed. All of the other things that came along with that feeling of wholeness (e.g. happiness, peace, communication, positivity) just sort of showed up. (WOO HOO!!)  Don't get me wrong.. I'm very glad those other feelings appeared..I'm sure my kids, co-workers, friends, parents, and readers are too :)..



So I leave you with this my friends:  The next time you start a journey, take time to wander off the path. You may be pleasantly surprised at what you find. I did.. and now the title of this blog "Weight? Whatever!!!" has a whole new meaning to me.  :)

Enjoy your night, hold your kids tight.. and let love surround you! 

 

How can you put a pricetag on what I'm worth??

Last night as I was listening to a friend talk about her feelings of worthlessness.  That got me thinking about something.. How many times in the past have I been looking for that next exhilarating feeling, that next proverbial "stamp of approval" for things that I want to accomplish in my life? Keep reading to find out where that train of thought took me...

So many times in my past I was doing what was right (or at least felt right at the time), and what was expected of me; not what was necessarily making me happy, or giving back to others.  Now, I don't think my parents, teachers, or friends ever MADE me do things I wasn't comfortable with..that's not what I'm trying to say.. (please don't read between the lines here) I WANTED to do everything that I've done in the past..but I think what I ended up with was a sense of relief that I COULD do it, instead of the satisfaction deep in my soul that made me all warm and fuzzy. All I really WANTED to feel (with whatever I was involved in) was a feeling of WORTH. 

I would think to myself, "If someone could just see that I was a good person on the inside, and not really care about how (or what) I was doing on the outside" it will make me happier, more fulfilled..


Ya know, I think it is our natural instinct to want to please others. I think the power is within each and every one of us to want to make the best of a bad situation regardless of what that situation is.  However, in the past when I made decisions solely based on peer pressure, parental guidance, or a strong influencer's suggestion.. I had to ask myself.. "Am I really doing ths because I want to, or am I doing this to seek someone's approval and gain a little of their love and attention?"  Lately, I realize it was a little of both.  However, my internal desire to be loved and wanted often motivates me to do things that are not perhaps in the best interest of my own personal development.


So how have I been able to overcome these feelings of worthlessness?  I have been surrendering my life everyday. I have been making a list of personal items I need to let go of every day.  I have been seeking guidance, forgiveness for my attitude, and for my actions EVERY day. 

You've probably guessed that it is a constant struggle for me; realizing that I HAVE WORTH! I have an outlook like no other. I have dreams, goals, and abilities that no one else in the world has.. I have the power within me to change MY way of thinking. I alone, have the power to hang on to my faith and know with 100% certainty that whatever I am doing is what I am meant to do. That my friends gives me an incredible feeling of worth!

This song speaks volumes to me..

Who is this person?? Oh yeah, it's me!

So once again I have been blown away by an epiphany.  

As I was talking to a friend the other day, I kept hearing them utter the phrases "I can't", "I don't want to", "It's hard" and then it was like something exploded in my head.. That's exactly how I used to sound,  I thought to myself.. THOSE are the words I used to say, THAT is how I used to feel. What caused me to get to that negative place??  I say USED to, because it's like a light switch has been flipped in my head, those words just aren't in my vocabulary anymore. WOO HOO to me! 

I can't begin to explain the overwhelming sense of relief I have been feeling lately.  You must be thinking.. Gee Lisa, did you win the lottery or something? 

My response is: Nope.. that's not it.. 

In fact, I still have monetary struggles.  I still wonder how the kids will turn out as adults.  I am still concerned about health, fitness, and people's general well-being.  However, those issues are not in my control.  They are not my issues, and I need to surrender everything or I risk losing everything.... again... 

Well, if you've been following my journey, you know that there have been some drastic changes in my life. It seems sometimes like my life has really only just begun (Insert cheesy Carpenter's song here). 

While I feel as though I've accomplished so much in a relatively short period of time, until recently I had no real direction; no sense of purpose, no motivation, no REAL desire for anything good or bad, I just felt nothing.. No overly happy thoughts, no overly sad thoughts, I just felt nothing.. Could this be ALL there is for me?  Will I be stumbling through life wondering what I'm supposed to be doing forever?  Will I always feel like something is missing?  Surely that can't be right.. Because I am goal driven. I am capable of anything.. I am for all intents and purposes a lifelong learner-lifetime achiever.  

I have just chosen to take the learning to the next level!!  One that I believe will move me in an upward direction.

Here's the thing.. a Few months ago, I knew there was something missing in my life. I didn't know what "it" was, but it was always just out of reach.  What was that little voice in my head?  I had no clue.. but I knew I was missing out on something great. Something.. what was that??? 



So I made a choice!!  I made a choice to always focus on the positive, even if that means that I will take small steps to achieve greatness, I will make them anyway.  If I am (which I already know) going to inspire others, I need to inspire myself. If I am to be set free from the negative thoughts that surround me, I need to let them go.  I realized that other people's problems were not my own, but that I could still listen without being apathetic.
 
If you are remotely curious about my choices, if you want to know how I could turn from being negative to positive, please ask. If you want to keep reading to see if I change back to my old ways, I welcome you to keep watching.  If you want to keep reading to see how this all plays out (because you've known me before) you are very welcome to do that too.  


Feel free to post comments here to my wall if you are so inclined, or email me and ask. You can reach me at lisaschallenge@gmail.com

I'm afraid.. oh wait.. maybe I'm not...

I have been thinking a lot lately about fear and the effects fear has had on my life.  Things like, where I would be today if I hadn't been afraid of doing this, or that? What amazing journeys would I have taken? How many inspiring people would I have met? What great things could I have already accomplished?



Living my life without fear has been a slow (translation-painful) process for me.  I keep telling myself that "This is what happens when you start a journey of self-discovery"..  Is this entire process comfortable?  Uh-NO!  

Truthfully, I don't know why I am so surprised at this. Deep down I always knew my life was messy. I always knew that I would eventually have to deal with all of the painful junk in the past before I could emerge as this wonderfully happy person.. I just didn't realize that it would be SO scary to really look at EVERYTHING. I am so used to comfortable pain. I'm used to stuffing my feelings into a box and only pulling them out when it is absolutely necessary. I'm used to hiding behind excuses. I'm used to being afraid. I'm used to fear consuming my life. Yeah, this whole self-discovery thing.. It is difficult.. but honestly, what do I have to be afraid of? Feelings?  Oooh..  (insert shudder here)

I tell myself often, "So what?!.. life is messy."  I fully acknowledge (admit, confess, or whatever term is socially acceptable these days) that my life has been (and still is) messy.  I have made mistakes (some worse than others), but I am still alive. I'm not afraid of the PAST any longer.. I mean, how can I be?  Those things (bad choices, painful emotions, etc.) are in the past! They have already happened! 

So, today, from a loving, non-fearing heart.. I'm kicking fear out of my life.  Of course I say this, while I sit in my safe little house all cozy and unafraid. The point is this; while sitting here pondering the concept of kicking fear out of my life forever, I realize that it is not going to be that simple. I mean, I know I can't just snap my fingers *poof* and make all the fear stop ...But there are some things I CAN do.. For example; I can believe in myself, believe that what I have to say is important, believe that I can accomplish great things, believe that I will travel to exciting locations, and believe in my ability to recognize the truth and abolish the lies.

So my lesson for the day is this:  Fear only becomes prevalent when I allow it to.  If I stop allowing it into my conscious mind, if I live my life without always wondering what if, if I can live right now.. in THIS moment, I can (and WILL) kick fear out of my life forever....

Thanks for reading. :)

I may not be perfect, but I'm full of love.  

Typically I write about weight loss, or something relating to weight loss.  The topic of weight loss does not completely define me. I still struggle with things. I still have family issues, job stress, and parental concerns.  This blog is dedicated to a couple of my friends.  If you're reading, you know who you are.. I don't think that it's necessary to call anybody out.  With that said, I want to say thank you.  This is quite possibly the MOST eye opening/inspiring book I have EVER read. Now on to the story!  :)
With great hesitation I started reading a book that a very dear friend recommended called Return to Love.  This friend has been talking to me for over a year about how this book transformed her life.  Well, I'm more of a fiction ONLY reader; you know.. vampires, werewolves, supernatural creatures and the like are my typical genre. However, I promised her that I would read this self-help book (I should mention here I always keep my promises-for those of you who don't know me) and all I can say is WOW..  I'm speechless.  <-- not easy to render ME speechless.

I'm speechless because as I was reading, I felt as though the author were speaking directly to me. Yep, that's it. She was talking to me about my life.  My messy, overindulgent, poor self-esteemed, sometimes chaotic, busy life.  Welcome to that life by the way.. :)  I should probably mention that I have had a great deal of emotional turmoil lately-mom's cancer, one of my girlfriend's father passed away, my daughter moved out, and I often feel like I bear the weight of the world on my shoulders. It has been a perfect time to seek some divine intervention.  Seemed like a great idea. I honestly don't feel like I fit in well with most people; (translation- I don't get out much).. So it seemed like a great idea to turn to someone I can talk to when I'm completely alone. So, I have been asking God to give me a sign.  I need Him to show me how to live a more productive life, and well, this book is it. Just like in the words of my favorite Blue Collar Comedy Tour participant Bill Engvall "Here's your sign."  

Now before I go any further, please let me preface the remainder of this post by saying this blog post is NOT a book review. I am simply recreating (as best I can) the epiphanies I have encountered while reading.  I am not suggesting that you read the book, because if you're meant to read it I have no doubt you will.  I am simply sharing some of my favorite excerpts; some of the paragraphs that made me weep.  I was sobbing at the first example listed below because it is just so full of honesty, and THAT (the honest truth, brutal, difficult, honesty) is something that is seriously lacking in all aspects of my life.

If you care to read on, I would be delighted.  If you don't, perhaps you were not meant to hear these messages yet.. but nonetheless I feel compelled to share them.

"The world has taught us we are less than perfect.  In fact, we have been taught that it's arrogant to think we're deserving of total happiness.  This is the point where we're stuck. If anything comes into our lives-love, success, happiness-which seems like it would be suited to a "deserving" person, our subconscious mind concludes it can't possibly be for us.  And so we sabotage." (p.274)

As I reflected on these words, I started to think about how incredibly insightful this passage is. How many times have I struggled with self-doubt? Apologized for things that were not my fault simply because I couldn't think of anything else to say?  How many times was I envious of someone because they got something I didn't think I deserved?  How often did I feel stuck?   Then I realized that I was not stuck:  I was unconsciously holding myself back from achieving true happiness in my life out of fear.  I was afraid of meeting new people, because I didn't want them to judge me. Or, if I did finally step out of my comfort zone and open up to people, I would always ask them, "Did you not talk to me at first because you thought I was bitchy?" Now, I would be stupid to think that people would actually answer that honestly-- but a few did, and that just HURT, but it opened my eyes enough, and now I see!  While I may have been self-loathing person, I still have FEELINGS.. Why couldn't anyone else see that?  How did people talk to me, but not hear me?  How could someone be so judgmental? They didn't know me.. Apparently I didn't know me either.  Hi my name is Lisa.  Have we met?? Let's do so now..

The next passage is a little different:

"Capacity is expressed in the present.  It is immediate.  The key to it lies not in what we have inside of us, but rather in what we are willing to own that we have inside of us.  There is no point in waiting until we are perfect in what we do... before opening ourselves to what we're capable of doing now.  Of course, we're not as good today as we'll be tomorrow, but how will we ever get to tomorrow's promise without making some sort of move today?" (p.276) 

You're probably thinking this sounds like a bunch of self-help mumbo-jumbo.  The fact is, that it is ALL true.  You may not believe the concepts mentioned in this book; you may not be ready to hear them, you may have stopped reading this blog 6 or 7 sentences ago..It's all ok.  I know that the words that I'm sharing I'm meant to share. I have a gift for writing.  I have the gift of a bubbly personality when I choose to let it shine.  I have the ability to see the solution to a problem before the problem fully exists.  It is time for the world to see that in me as God sees it.  I don't want to be paralyzed by my "potential" any longer. I want to live in the present, serving others, helping others... LOVING others. 




Now, how did I come to these conclusions? This is HUGE! * you're almost at the end of this post, you can finish*..

I know that this book is literally working a miracle in my life because tonight a small little miracle happened. (insert smile here) I had to confront my child about a repeated bad behavior.  I've had a gut feeling the past couple of weeks that his life is starting a downward spiral into pain that I've already witnessed, dealt with, and moved away from.  So, as I sat down to have a "discussion" with him about it, I did not feel anger (like I did before), I did not feel guilty for what I hadn't done in the past (like I did before), I just talked to him. I reminded him that he should consider his past mistakes as lessons to learn from, not repeat.

I assured him that I loved him, and that I was worried about him, but ultimately his actions were HIS choice. I can no longer control what he does, what he says, who he hangs out with.  I am my own person, and he is his own person... but we are connected through our LOVE.  I showed him LOVE tonight instead of my usual anger.  We ended up talking civilly to one another after the painful discussion was over, and hung out for a little while (a rarity these days) So when I tell you that I believe this book is working in my life, I mean I think that this book is working on my heart; to soften it, and make me open to give love and therefore receive love.

I am taking this opportunity to tell all of you that THIS conversation, THIS night, through LOVING words and an open heart is what will heal him, and strengthen me. My words showed my love for him, and my actions (or in this particular case- my lack of REACTION) showed my love. 

I guess it just goes to show that when you are full of love and when you give your love away; unconditionally, without ulterior motives- love comes back to you.. Will we have another one of these conversations again?  Probably, but with the miracle of LOVE in my heart.. I'm certain that it will end on a happy note. :)